Pissed Off Cabbie's Guide To Christmas Shopping

Well, it's that time of year again, and, given the current flaccid state of the dollar, no one can realistically expect you to give them a pony for Christmas, unless, of course, their name is Danforth or Muffy, or David Rockefeller III. So, it's time to look at some reasonable, down-to-earth gift possibilities, and I'm only too glad to help out.

Here's something new, a sure sign of the times that should please (irritate) most anyone. It's a coffee mug with the Bill of Rights printed on it. What separates this item from the rest of the pack is how the Bill of Rights disappears when coffee, or any hot liquid is poured into the mug. Won't your Republican father-in-law enjoy wrapping his clammy fingers around this? FEEL the fascism, pops.

Have a friend or relative that runs with a gang? Get him this nice crime scene body outline beach towel. Any Crip or Blood should be proud to display this when sunning themselves in the 'hood.

Here's a special gift for that relative who still lives in Mom's basement- you know, the one who's 34 and has a Camaro up on blocks in the front yard. It's a t-shirt that says, "Support Bacteria- it's the only culture some people have". Won't that go over big down at the bowling alley?

If you're looking to suck up to the boss this year, get him this Executive Sandbox. It'll give him hours of pleasure reminiscing about the time he was arrested in Jamaica, and spent spring break in jail. It's the kind of thing you never want to forget.

For kids who really want to please Mom, this Psycho Mom Shower Curtain is just the thing. Let her know that you feel the love. Watch what goes into those Christmas cookies, though.

I'm hoping somebody gets me this t-shirt that says, Coffee- You Can Sleep When You're Dead". Something about that just says it all, and don't we cabbies know it.

People, of course, like giving the gift of music. I don't want to impose my tastes here, but just I'll say that if anyone can't get into William Shatner Sings or the Rough Guide To Irkutsk, then they're just plain tone-deaf. You can give these CD's to anyone, young or old, and watch them explode with happiness.

Well, that's about it. Whether you're shopping at Tiffany's or Wal Mart, some gifts are universally appropriate, no matter how cheap they are. It's really the thought that counts, and keeping yourself out of the National Debt equation is the right thing to do. But, if decisions are overwhelming you, there's always that one tried-and-true way to go. Sincerity wins out over imagination in my book every time.

Happy Holidays, rubes!